I guess I've just not had the drive to do otherwise, or maybe I've felt too inclined to dedicate my journal to purchases or projects. After all, I do tend to enjoy things more when I feel like I'm delivering something to an audience. But there's no rule that says I have to do that, and maybe at a time like now, I should really think about how I define what a "journal" is.
Let's get this out of the way
I often get compliments on my website, and while I have worked on the styling almost entirely on my own and most of the ideas I implement do require the ability to know exactly what is needed to execute them, I can't help but feel like I'm cheating in some way, so I'd like to just get this off my chest.Quite a few things on this website were vibe-coded. At first, the novelty of being able to create almost anything just by telling an AI what I want was exciting and introduced an insane amount of potential, but now I see it more as a crutch because I feel unable to work on specific things (like all of the things on the tools page) because I didn't do most of the code myself.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like my entire website is foreign to me. After all, I was actively ensuring I told the AI exactly how to implement each feature so I'd always know where to start, but I can't help but feel some sort of imposter syndrome knowing that a lot of what you see wouldn't be possible without agentic help. It's hard to describe what exactly I mean without going in-depth into my website's backend, but I know it would've taken me a very long time to get the website to this point on my own.
I try to convince myself that AI is simply a revolutionary technology that helps me get things done. I use ChatGPT frequently to help with research and personal management, and it's great for that! But knowing deep down that I feel like I'm lying to visitors of this website is a bit overwhelming at times and I feel like I'm a bit too reliant on it at times. After all, I still want to prove to myself I can think for myself.
So yeah, just know that. I don't think I want this "confession" to discredit me or my work towards this site because I've still spent countless hours perfecting everything, but I feel like I want people to know that this wasn't entirely my own doing.
I also need to confess that a few of my earlier journal posts were greatly written with help from AI. I can guarantee you that none of this year's posts had any influence from AI, but in the earlier posts I wrote them in my code editor instead of on the website itself which meant that CoPilot was frequently auto-completing sentences and I'd often go with what it suggested.
I think this is getting to me because one of my most praised posts, the one about Circuit Laundry, was mostly written by AI. Don't get me wrong, it's true and I hate them as much as the post expresses, but I don't want to take too much credit for it. Again, though, my more recent posts are entirely hand typed and I haven't noticed a decline in quality so I'd like to think it doesn't matter, but it always will. Subconsciously.
Personal shortcomings
Recently, someone in my life has been going through the hardest time in their life and they've been relying on me to help them out however I can. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to put in the work to meet that standard. I don't even think it's a high standard either, it's nothing more than what'd be expected of literally anyone else, so it's humiliating to know that I can't be there for them.The worst part of it all I think is that I have been promising them that I could help them. Promising that I wouldn't leave them in the dark when things got hard. And yet, things have gotten hard, and I've been left with no choice but to leave them because I know I'll just disappoint. Especially when I already have, almost countless times. I've been given too many chances, but it's not their fault because after each one I said I'd do better.
It's genuinely killing me. Well, not literally, but like, mentally. It's insufferable because I want to help them so much yet I feel the best thing I can do is nothing. And it hurts so much because they've done everything for me, helped me at my worst, complimented my strengths, commented on and helped with my weaknesses, and all I've been able to do is disappoint them.
My fourth journal post was about many things, but one of those was how I think relationships need to be a mutual exchange of goods to work. Despite my own philosophy being something I prided myself on, I have found myself not only being unable to follow it with this person, but also with most of the people in my life. In my own words, I feel like a leech to the people around me and now I'm left with the urge to try and make things better. I just wished to god I had realised this before it was too late.
And I don't want you reading this to feel guilty or sorry for me, trust me that's the last thing I want this post to convey. I just want to scream into the digital void that is the internet in hopes that getting things off my chest makes things feel even a teeny bit better. This post is not a cry for attention or a call for help, it's just a projection of my mindset in an attempt to ease things. I also want the people in my life to know that I am not a selfish person, and that my actions carry a great weight on me and make me want to do better. I have no idea where to start and I know I can't just say that and it'll make everything better, I need to prove it, and I will go through great efforts to make sure I actually develop from this and not just wallow in self pity.
All I need is time. And maybe also a therapist.
This title exists only to split the journal post up, I have no idea how to title this section
It's weird, because usually when I'm emotional about something I just sleep it off and I wake up the next morning feeling fine. But this time is different, because my actions have long-term consequences on the lives of others I care deeply about. I don't want to hurt the people I love, yet it almost seems innate for me to do so, and I want so much to just be able to fix everything. But I know I can't do that right away, which I think is the worst part of it all.I need to prove not only to others that I can fix everything, but to myself. Maybe some things can't be fixed, but I'd really like to think that they can.
On a more positive note
The person I talk about in this post has helped me with self-development in more ways than I could possibly do on my own, and I want to thank them infinitely for their efforts, even if the payoff was disappointing for them. If it wasn't for you I'd never come to the realisation that I'm the problem, not the rest of the world, and I'd never become aware of my shortcomings. I cannot even begin to pay you back for what you've helped me accomplish already.And to everyone else, I just realised reading this back that it seems like a cryptic and serious crime confession WHICH IT IS NOT. lol. normal programming resumes at 10.